Such a Drag

Battling the buzz of a (hopefully last) wave of depression, I'm on the road today. Though I worked out hard and ate well last nite I didn't have a good sleep nor did I wake up pleasantly and getting to the train was not great.

All this has hindered my ability to stay in a good mood and it's probably compounded by the reading of this Kerouac book. He was really all fucked up and I think if he really respected anyone, that person should've just belted him in the face and told him to get his shit straight. Rather than just enjoy the serenity of the mountains and the sea and the tranquility that follows, he opted to be a selfish beatnick asshole. The deception was the music from the album, which has its dark and bluesy and desperate moments but also its upbeat and positive ones. If I had weeks at a time in a cabin there I would probably come out a much better-adjusted human being -- sure it takes a few days to get a lot of old junk out of your head and the back of your spine but once that's over you need to move on clearly. Actually I can handle the drinking, because I don't do much of it and when I do, it's not very much and it's almost always beer or wine. The caffeine withdrawal and lack of heavy metal and music with words would be the tough purge. He had his chance to be Zarathustra and he blew it. He was dead by the end of the 60s.

I saw two guys alongside Chelsea Piers -- one running the other on a bike talking in to the runner's face. The talker is the guy that I mistook for Chris Cornell on more than one occasion. It's not him and he's around here at this time a lot.

There's a group of (I'm guessing) tourists on bikes starting near Hudson River Park across from the Meatpacking District. It must be nice to be coasting here on a full size bike with gears -- I've had that particular experience but no more than a few times since September 2008. One guy on a bike wears a shirt that the back claims is from team Espana so it's possible this is a Spanish tour -- I want to yell out that I'm on his "izquierda" but I'm not certain that means "left."

Back to the mild depression, though -- it happens periodically, lasts about 2-4 days about 2-3 times annually. I know largely it stems from being intellectually dissatisfied and the way I spend the core of my work week. I'm not complaining in the normal sense as I am fully aware that I have accepted this, which is why I know it will pass. I'm listening to a Rollins song off A Nicer Shade of Red called "Such a Drag." I gravitated toward it subconsciously as we platformed and it's probably because it's as if he is talking to me directly (there's two halves to the track -- the latter is this dark, piano-driven monologue). It's organ-fueled with some jazzy guitar solos and it is a sore thumb for his catalogue and I'm sure that's why it didn't make the cut but man does it hit home. (odd that it's the last song off the last "alternate" album of his final Rollins Band album...I'd really like him to do another one I even wrote him and asked him).

While I physically feel superior (to my own self, not to anyone else because at this point the only physical competition is internal) I am emotionally and mentally void today. There's a lot to think about when you are unhappy and tired and drained and most of it is no good for you -- I don't want my life to be all about waiting for the goddamn weekend. I push through it on the bike and I hope to push through it on the run (hopefully) later today.

I can feel a difference in the altering of my diet -- I'm capable of going on less for just as long. Last nite's dinner was wild caught sole with broccoli and boar's head horseradish sauce -- today's lunch will be half of a protein bar and my oats & whey drink. I have opted to give up chocolate -- as previously mentioned -- during the day, as it is not helping. I'm supplementing it by sometimes putting one packet of raw sugar in my Flavia. But none of this happened overnight -- it has taken at least a week for me to get to a spot where I'm comfortable.

Now that I've acknowledged an amount of disenchantment, I will enter work knowing that this is what I might project -- so I will mostly keep to myself so that no one can take my words and use them against me. Most things will be handled by email and I will make it a point to write "hello" "kindly" and "thank you."

Thank you for reading.

Playlist:
Wolfmother - "Cosmic Egg"
Velvet Revolver - "Sucker Train Blues" "Do It For the Kids" "Big Machine"